Is this what mania feels like?

My depression is back big time.  So my psychiatrist suggested we add Abilify to supplement my current antidepressant.  It's been two weeks and here's how I feel today.

I can't get rid of this feeling like I can't sit still.  Like I need to move.  Like I can't get my arms comfortable.  Like I want to break something....or hit something.....or like I want to pull all of my hair out in big chunks until my scalp hurts and bleeds.  Like I need to do something yet I can't focus on anything long enough to be productive.

Maybe I could clean the office, but I can't sit still long enough with anything in the room to make any progress.  I think about painting or drawing or scrap booking but I don't think I can sit and focus long enough to do any of those things.  I keep going downstairs and jogging on the treadmill for 5-10 minute periods.  And I'm NOT a runner.

Called my psych and he said to cut the dose in half.  So I did that this morning.  Still don't feel like I can sit still.  Makes it hard to sit and get work done.  Even bouncing my knees isn't helping.  This is so much worse than my usual anxiety.

The half life of the Abilify is pretty long so I don't anticipate feeling a difference for a few days.

I've already done the dishes, scrubbed my shirt with the paint stain, thrown in a load of laundry, cleaned the cat box and finished all the "easy" work in my work inbox....the stuff that doesn't require deep concentration.

I can't go outside and walk because it's too cold and windy and icy.  I don't have my phone converter so I can't put in my earbuds.

I just keep wondering if this is what the mania side of bipolar feels like.  It's not just more energy.  I think I could handle more energy.  This is more like my skin is crawling...like my skeleton is trying to get out of my body...like I couldn't stop moving even if I tried to....my mind won't stop racing...I want to binge and spend money and be reckless....it feels manic,..not just like excess energy.

It feels like I can't sit still but when I get up and move it feels like my legs are made of lead.

It's infuriating.  I feel like I could get really angry really quickly or that I could get really sad really quickly.  That I could break something into a million pieces or that I could cry until I collapse from exhaustion.

Maybe I should take an Ativan and see if it takes the edge off....

How I'm Feeling Right Now

Not sure what has come over me this afternoon but that desire to just quit is completely overwhelming. So I've walked. And I've tried to see the beauty in the things around me. And I've listening to beautiful music. And I've read inspiring words.

I'm trying but it seems so impossible to keep moving forward - or even moving at all - when it hits and I can't identify why.

This battle is hard. This battle that happens over and over again.

This battle taking place inside the deepest darkest corners of my brain. The place where the monsters and the gremlins and the terrible memories hide. The place where life torments me and reminds me of the terrible things that can happen to the most innocent pieces of your soul. The place where I feel like I have been permanently broken into a million shards of glass and there isn't any possible way to put them back together again.

But I keep trying to put all the pieces back together. I keep trying and trying and trying but they crumble apart over and over. The way sandcastles crumble.

It's like trying to fill a bucket with water when it has a hole in it. It doesn't matter how much or how quickly you dump the water in, it will never be full. It will always keep emptying.

There are brief moments when I get to feel the warmth. The sunshine of my authentic self breaking through the darkness. The joy of being artistic and confident and happy and free. Those moments are precious. And I don't know if anyone realizes just how few of those genuine moments I get.

I don't know if anyone truly understands how often that small girl with the blonde hair and the bright eyes gets bullied into the dark by the gremlins who speak such terrible words to her. The ones that make her believe she is dirty and bad and stupid and hopeless and not worthy of love. That she deserves pain and loneliness and sadness.

Doesn't anyone see how often she finds a dark closet in my head and curls into a ball and hides with her hands over her ears to try to block out the noise. To block out the memories. To block out the hurt. To block out the world and to just disappear.

I just want to disappear.