My depression is back big time. So my psychiatrist suggested we add Abilify to supplement my current antidepressant. It's been two weeks and here's how I feel today.
I can't get rid of this feeling like I can't sit still. Like I need to move. Like I can't get my arms comfortable. Like I want to break something....or hit something.....or like I want to pull all of my hair out in big chunks until my scalp hurts and bleeds. Like I need to do something yet I can't focus on anything long enough to be productive.
Maybe I could clean the office, but I can't sit still long enough with anything in the room to make any progress. I think about painting or drawing or scrap booking but I don't think I can sit and focus long enough to do any of those things. I keep going downstairs and jogging on the treadmill for 5-10 minute periods. And I'm NOT a runner.
Called my psych and he said to cut the dose in half. So I did that this morning. Still don't feel like I can sit still. Makes it hard to sit and get work done. Even bouncing my knees isn't helping. This is so much worse than my usual anxiety.
The half life of the Abilify is pretty long so I don't anticipate feeling a difference for a few days.
I've already done the dishes, scrubbed my shirt with the paint stain, thrown in a load of laundry, cleaned the cat box and finished all the "easy" work in my work inbox....the stuff that doesn't require deep concentration.
I can't go outside and walk because it's too cold and windy and icy. I don't have my phone converter so I can't put in my earbuds.
I just keep wondering if this is what the mania side of bipolar feels like. It's not just more energy. I think I could handle more energy. This is more like my skin is crawling...like my skeleton is trying to get out of my body...like I couldn't stop moving even if I tried to....my mind won't stop racing...I want to binge and spend money and be reckless....it feels manic,..not just like excess energy.
It feels like I can't sit still but when I get up and move it feels like my legs are made of lead.
It's infuriating. I feel like I could get really angry really quickly or that I could get really sad really quickly. That I could break something into a million pieces or that I could cry until I collapse from exhaustion.
Maybe I should take an Ativan and see if it takes the edge off....
